25 days ago I found out I was going to be a mom. Today, Jesse and I will go to the doctor for the first ultrasound.
Motherhood is something that half the population of the world experiences, yet I can't help but to feel in complete awe, bewilderment, astonishment, happiness beyond boundaries that I'm on the path to experiencing it myself. Right now, I'm nervous, so so nervous. I want to hear that heartbeat so that it can all be confirmed. I'm healthy and have been so incredibly fortunate so far in my life and can't imagine everything not being ok, but still I won't be able to shake the fear until I know that everything's still right on track.
Being a mother was something I looked up to and admired, but never thought I would want to experience. I always figured that I'd leave that to the ladies that couldn't dream of anything else. Me, well I was content knowing that I could have a career and live a solitary life.
That all changed when Jesse's love and compassion shook me right to my core. With him I want a marriage, a family, a life of partnership and parenthood. We were engaged last June and talked about having kids as soon as we were married, but I think secretly we knew our impatience could possibly intervene. And that it did. While we weren't actively trying, we found ourselves on a Friday night contemplating whether it could really be possible. Two positive pregnancy tests later, and there we were in complete disbelief. Shock came first, and then joy that could not be measured. But, I'd be lying if I said we weren't worried. Still, the fear and worry overwhelms us. Not because we don't feel capable, but because our lives are better than we could ever imagine to the point that it scares us. Could life really be this incredible and giving? Could we really be this fortunate? I need to give more, I need to do more, I need to be more to deserve all the gifts that the universe has laid out for me. Yet, how selfish of me to let self doubt trump the immense joy that I'm feeling. We haven't told anyone but our parents yet, and maybe having to hold in the news is also causing me to hold in my joy.
Trust that Jesse and I are happy, so insanely happy; so happy that we have names picked, so happy that together we dream of the parents we want to be and of the life we want to provide for our child, so happy that I look in the mirror and cry tears of joy because I know that inside of me a light of love and passion is growing. Still, our nerves and stress and fear are eating us up and they will until 2:10pm today when the sound of our baby's beautiful heartbeat can put all the fears to rest.
This post was originally written on Tuesday, May 27. Today we're overjoyed, everything's smooth sailing, and we're ready to share the great news!
